Nursing Woes Concluded :(

First off, THANK YOU, all of the kind words and advice you gave me from this post was amazing.

What a great support group you all are. 

Sadly, despite my many many efforts, 

I have stopped breastfeeding.  

I really tried ev.er.y.thing.  You name it, I tried it.  That darn yeast would not go away!

After visiting with a Breastfeeding specialist physician (thanks for the recommendation Alissa),  one of the last things she could have me try was Gentian Violet.
Ugh.  I didn't not want to try that. 

Do you see why?  It stains everything so terribly.  Gentian Violet had been sitting on my shelf for weeks, I kept putting it off.  But I had to try it.  I could not quit knowing I had not done all I could.  

For the first couple of days I felt better but on day four, the intense burning persisted and I knew my time of breast feeding had to come to an end.  I even tried quiting for a few days and then go back.  

But still, burning.

I could not get over how hard emotionally it was for me to quit.  I was in a state of depression for the first 3 days of weaning.  Feeling the engorgement of milk in my breast and not being able to nurse my child was torture. 

 I cried and cried and cried.  

I kept telling myself that there are worst things in life.  

But to no avail my rationalization didn't help.

I still cried and cried and cried.

I was giving up a good fight of a 4 1/2 month battle.

Some good tears needed to be shed. 

 Bottle feeding is going great!  

Frankie loves it and is happy and healthy.

Thats all that really matters.

I still feel attached to him and this is the longest I've let my one of my babies sleep in my room in a bassinet.  

I'm not ready to move him out yet.  He's just so sweet, good natured and has GREAT sleep habits.

I'm in no rush.

Frankie is so lovable.  He is such a cuddly thing and I am madly in love with him.  He snuggles up to just about anyone who holds him.  A calm little baby.

*Just as I was writing this post last night, Frankie awoke in his bassinet with labored breathing and a barking cough struggling to breathe.  Croup.  I hate croup.  It is so scary.  I've never had a baby so little with croup.  

I swaddled him up in a hat and thick blankets and sat on my front porch until the cool air cleared his airway and he calmed down.  He was still wheezing quite a bit so we decided he needed to be seen.  

1:00 a.m  means Primary Children's Hospital.  A nice 7-10 minute drive. 

I put Frankie in his car seat and he freaked out and could not breath in there.  He was gasping for air.  On my front side walk covered with snow, I grabbed him out of there and held him close til he calmed as the snow fell upon us.  Breathe....breathe.  

Kevin had to drive us there while I held little Frankie so he could breathe.

Thankfully the hospital was slow and we were seen right away.  Frankie was treated with saline to open his airways and then a steroid which helped him to breathe much better.

He fell asleep on my chest and stayed there through observation and our ride home.

My head hit the pillow at 4:00 a.m.

This is going to be a long day.

Two weeks of bottle feeding and my little one receives his first illness.  Croup of all things. 

This is why I hoped to nurse longer.  Maybe he could have skipped this one.  

He seems to be better today.  Calm again and breathing well.

Wanting to be held, I have no complaints there. 

I'm so grateful to live close to medical facilities and for medicine,

so this mama can feel at ease.   

Nursing Woes and possibly TMI

Back in early August I got Mastitis (a breast infection), which I've had with each baby.  Unfortunately, the antibiotics lead me to a very painful yeast infection, other wise known as Candida, in my milk ducts.  I've had this infection for 15 weeks now and I'm at the end of my rope. 

I've tried light therapy, difluccan, grapefruit seed extract, probiotics, Newmans ointment, Gentian Violet (all safe for breastfeeding) and the latest, my diet.
The question I often get is, "How do you stick with it?"  To be honest, the pain hasn't been too bad.  Being on the meds and treatment takes the edge off and it's tolerable.  I've gone through waves of times when I had to bite on a towel while nursing. 

I'm not against bottle feeding at all.  I just hate the idea that this choice is being made for me.  I'm so close to just throwing in the towel.  He's almost 6 months old.  The only thing that keeps me hanging on is that every time Frankie nurses it is like a mini physical therapy session on his mouth and jaw; strengthening his muscle tone for speech development.  Also for his immune system, with winter coming and all.  Babies with Down syndrome are prone to ear infections and sinus infections.  My doctor told me, "Frankie will have tubes in his ears."  Like I don't have a choice.  

Nursing him through the winter could be beneficial to his health.  

Before Halloween I went off sugar and yeast and was starting to feel like I was beating the infection.  I allowed myself to indulge just on Halloween.  Ever since, I've had a huge set back (darn that sugar). Major pain.  Not during nursing but after.  Sharp, shooting, burning fire pain in my breast.

Recently my doctor has been trying to wean me from the diflucan because I've been on it so long.  But on the fourth day without diflucan it came back with full force.  

I found myself at Whole Foods yesterday with 3 of my kids desperately looking for more meds (I was out of probiotics and off diflucan).  The pain was unbearable.  And after the Whole Foods employee told me that he couldn't tell me if the particular yeast cleanse was safe for breastfeeding (he said he knew the answer but he just isn't legally allowed to prescribe) I broke down right then and there.  I wasn't asking for a prescription.  I tried to hold back the tears.  But they kept rolling off my checks as each sharp stabbing pain attacked my breast.  The pain took my breath.  I couldn't even speak clearly. 

I dashed out of the store with the kids in tow and lost it the second I reached the car.  I speed dialed my APRN and pleaded (sobbed) for any help she might have.  I was not prepared emotionally to stop breast feeding right then and there.  I have found that medical practitioners know very little about how to treat an infection like this.  So disappointing.  

We came up with a plan.  Giving me two more weeks of diflucan while frankie is being treated with the same meds so we don't past it back and forth (which I think we have) and stick to my new diet of No sugar (not even fruit),  No yeast,  No diary.  To starve the yeast infection and pretty much starve myself.  Just kidding.  It is a limited diet but my cupboards and fridge are stocked full of the things I can eat.

After my emotional breakdown yesterday,  I'm near ready to quit.  As much as I don't want to, I just don't have any other option.  It just makes me so sad that I can't continue nursing.  I know that this is my last baby and emotionally I'm just not ready to move on yet.  It's a sign of growing up.  Also, how am I going to stop nursing when I have a full feeding schedule and milk supply?  So discouraging.

The bright side now is I have two more weeks to give it one last go.  Hopefully within that time I can prepare myself to let it go or by some miracle, get rid of it.

But all I really want to do is enjoy these moments with my sweet little boy.  He's calm, snugly, sweet, warm and adorable in every possible way.   Can't time just stand still?