Nursing Woes Concluded :(

First off, THANK YOU, all of the kind words and advice you gave me from this post was amazing.

What a great support group you all are. 

Sadly, despite my many many efforts, 

I have stopped breastfeeding.  

I really tried ev.er.y.thing.  You name it, I tried it.  That darn yeast would not go away!

After visiting with a Breastfeeding specialist physician (thanks for the recommendation Alissa),  one of the last things she could have me try was Gentian Violet.
Ugh.  I didn't not want to try that. 

Do you see why?  It stains everything so terribly.  Gentian Violet had been sitting on my shelf for weeks, I kept putting it off.  But I had to try it.  I could not quit knowing I had not done all I could.  

For the first couple of days I felt better but on day four, the intense burning persisted and I knew my time of breast feeding had to come to an end.  I even tried quiting for a few days and then go back.  

But still, burning.

I could not get over how hard emotionally it was for me to quit.  I was in a state of depression for the first 3 days of weaning.  Feeling the engorgement of milk in my breast and not being able to nurse my child was torture. 

 I cried and cried and cried.  

I kept telling myself that there are worst things in life.  

But to no avail my rationalization didn't help.

I still cried and cried and cried.

I was giving up a good fight of a 4 1/2 month battle.

Some good tears needed to be shed. 

 Bottle feeding is going great!  

Frankie loves it and is happy and healthy.

Thats all that really matters.

I still feel attached to him and this is the longest I've let my one of my babies sleep in my room in a bassinet.  

I'm not ready to move him out yet.  He's just so sweet, good natured and has GREAT sleep habits.

I'm in no rush.

Frankie is so lovable.  He is such a cuddly thing and I am madly in love with him.  He snuggles up to just about anyone who holds him.  A calm little baby.

*Just as I was writing this post last night, Frankie awoke in his bassinet with labored breathing and a barking cough struggling to breathe.  Croup.  I hate croup.  It is so scary.  I've never had a baby so little with croup.  

I swaddled him up in a hat and thick blankets and sat on my front porch until the cool air cleared his airway and he calmed down.  He was still wheezing quite a bit so we decided he needed to be seen.  

1:00 a.m  means Primary Children's Hospital.  A nice 7-10 minute drive. 

I put Frankie in his car seat and he freaked out and could not breath in there.  He was gasping for air.  On my front side walk covered with snow, I grabbed him out of there and held him close til he calmed as the snow fell upon us.  Breathe....breathe.  

Kevin had to drive us there while I held little Frankie so he could breathe.

Thankfully the hospital was slow and we were seen right away.  Frankie was treated with saline to open his airways and then a steroid which helped him to breathe much better.

He fell asleep on my chest and stayed there through observation and our ride home.

My head hit the pillow at 4:00 a.m.

This is going to be a long day.

Two weeks of bottle feeding and my little one receives his first illness.  Croup of all things. 

This is why I hoped to nurse longer.  Maybe he could have skipped this one.  

He seems to be better today.  Calm again and breathing well.

Wanting to be held, I have no complaints there. 

I'm so grateful to live close to medical facilities and for medicine,

so this mama can feel at ease.